Too soon for sexually explicit pics?

How soon is too soon for sexting?

One of the most exciting things today is technology. It’s fast moving, unpredictable and accessibility brings a level of excitement. Of course one of the most exciting invents is text messaging. But what happens when you start receiving sexually explicit messages and when is it too soon for sexually explicit pics? Before we get into this discussion, let’s set a little background.

From work to home, texting has completely changed the way we communicate. It’s has provided us with a direct and immediately way to connect. The receiver is almost always compelled to respond quickly.

In the dating world, it is a new toy that provides a level of safety allowing the freedom to openly express your thoughts and feelings without having to see a true reaction, such as a raised eyebrow, body language, etc. So, how do you react when you meet a guy who seems to have it going on in all the right places; he’s intelligent, handsome, has a good job and he can even cook! But after exchanging numbers and a couple of texts…BAM! There it is. He’s sent you a pic of his private parts with the words something to the effect of…I’ve got something good for you.

Here’s another scenario: you are in a meeting with your cell phone on your desk. You get the audio notification that you have a text and you walk over to your phone (sitting on the conference room table) to find d_ _ __  pic staring back at you. Yup, free willy is all over your phone screen while you are out in public. Your hands are frantically shaking as you try to get your phone unlocked to quickly quell this unwanted intruder.

You may be a bit turned off or even angry at first. Then talking to others, you learn that this is just how it is these days. And he tells you, it’s just been so long and he finds you incredibly sexy. Now your not sure if you are overreacting. Times have changed and maybe you should just accept it.

It even has a name – sexting. Sexting has become increasingly popular and sometimes seems to derail one’s common sense. We’ve all heard about the celebrity cases where sexting has gone terribly wrong, sometimes to the point of ruining a career as in Anthony Weiner’s case. But there are many others out there who view this as an innocent and private communication, so… no big deal; even when it is done in the early days of meeting.

The other obvious issue is the fact that technology is not hack proof.  Just ask Jessica Alba and others who have had their private photos intercepted or stolen and  posted all over the internet.

Aside from these obvious egregious acts, electronic communication can be fragmented causing the receiver to misunderstand the message. In coaching, I tell clients that body language is often heard more clearly than words. However, we lose this very valuable communication skill when communicating electronically. On one hand, it may be just a byproduct of introducing new communication mechanisms. On the other hand, it has become a way of emboldening yourself. After all, you only get a muted effect of the person’s real reaction. I also coach clients on the importance of following your instinct and setting boundaries, which will obviously be different for everyone.

Here are a couple of thoughts aimed at both men and women:

For the women, it is indisputable that women and men are different. This is been proven in nearly everything we do including the way our brains are wired. Men are built to compartmentalize. And they do it well. They have the ability to masterfully separate acts and words from emotion. Especially when it comes to sex. Women, on the other hand, are a complex network of connections. In fact, I believe women are the ultimate connected devices…even beating out technology innovations like the iPhone.

Even when women try to will themselves to stay disconnected, they often fail miserably. In talking about this issue, some men say women are sending these pics too. Everybody’s doing it. So my question for you ladies: what are you actually hoping to accomplish by putting all of your goodies on display so quickly. If you objective is just to have sex and not a relationship, you’ve probably scored! But we all know that sex doesn’t get or keep a man and the likelihood that you will become emotionally entangled is a very real possibility. I have full confidence that one day we will learn this lesson.

For the men, we realize that men think about sex fairly regularly during their day. It is what it is. But when you are sending these pics, are you thinking the woman is thinking like you? Because if she is…run! If she is not, you have probably just closed the door to something that may or may not have had potential. Most mature women are just not wired that way and prefer a more emotional connection before the sexy games begin. I also appreciate that you know what you want and don’t have a problem going after it. Just remember, for each action there is a reaction and it may not be the one you are looking for.

Let’s have a conversation. How soon is too soon for sexually explicit pics and texts?

 

All the best,

Rhonda

Should you accept a man who cannot keep you financially at the standard you want to live?

Should Women Accept Men Who Are Not Able or Not Willing to Keep Them At the Standard They Want To Live At?

Relationships and Women

So, my sister and I were having this conversation so I thought I’d pose the question to all of you.

Should women accept men who are not able or not willing to keep them at the standard they want to live at.

First let me explain what I mean by “keep them at the standard they want to live at” because this will be controversial on many fronts. Here is a scenario:

For some years you have been single and living your life at standard “x”. You meet a great guy but he is not able to help keep you at standard “x” and may asked you to bring it down a bit. Maybe to standard “q”. Or maybe he is quite capable financially of supporting standard “x” but doesn’t believe it is necessary so he only supports standard “q”.

Now in either case, there are at least a thousand scenarios that could play out. But just for a minute, let’s discuss these two issues at the most basic levels.

Back to the question: should you accept a man who is not willing or not able to keep you at standard “x”. Before you can answer this on the most sincere and practical terms, I’d like you consider these four things:

Mirror check

Before you rush into a “no way” answer, I’d like you to do what I call a mirror check. A mirror check is a way of looking in the mirror to keep yourself honest. We all like to dream big but it is important to make sure there is a level playing field. For instance, if you are riding around in a 1980 pinto but you want your man to drive a Mercedes S Class…well, I’m just saying. Or if you only buy no frills but feel your man should always go top shelf, you may want to re-evaluate your expectations.

Continually requiring someone else to meet expectations that you cannot meet for yourself could become a problem.

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Does he have goals and is he making progress?

People don’t wake up one morning and discover they have arrived. Reaching your goals takes 1) defining them and 2) putting forward a consistent and committed effort to achieve them. Maybe he is doing just that. He’s got the plan and he’s working it and there are positive signs ahead. Because he has not yet achieved his goals, does this mean he should be “x’ed” off the list? Definitely something to consider. If you are having trouble with this one, do a role reversal. If you were making positive strides but still had work to do, would you like to be eliminated from consideration?

Would you be comfortable?

Consider this. Would you be comfortable 1) lowering your current standard or 2) picking up the slack? I mean, just how much do you like this guy? If he has many positives and just isn’t quite there on the financial side, you may decide to give it a try. But, remember this. Go into with you eyes open and full understanding of what you are getting. If you accept him for who he is, you cannot later try to push him to be something he’s not. If you want to maintain your current standard, it’s likely you will have to maintain that standard for both of you. Are you comfortable with this?

What if he is just not willing?

This one should be sounding alarms as if there were a 4-alarm fire. Not being able is one thing, but if he is not willing? There are many messages being spoken here without the words. At his heart, he may be a frugal man. Certainly nothing wrong with that. But, does it align with who you are? If not, run!!! You will constantly feel like you need to justify why you enjoy the things you do. This gets pretty old, pretty fast. Conversely, maybe he just doesn’t feel he needs to spend that kind of money on you. Whether it’s that you are not worth it, or something else, you may never really know the truth. Just know that if you are thinking steak dinner and he’s thinking chicken tenders, at the risk of being repetitive…run!!

The bottom line…this question is not as simple as it would seem. There is a lot to consider as with most relationship questions. If ever you find yourself lost, look for your guiding star. YOU. Be unapologetically true to yourself. You deserve to look for the qualities and the type of relationship that will make you happy.

All the best,

Rhonda

 

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Why Do Women Cheat

Why do women cheat?

Most of what we read about is about men who are not faithful. But, studies tell us that women who are in a committed relationship cheat almost as much as men. We have developed a societal stereotype to go with the label of “cheating”. As a result, sometimes men get lured into thinking their woman will not cheat.

Although men and women both tend to cheat, their reasons for doing so are often very different. Men tend to cheat based on physical needs and desires while women tend to list more emotional reason for why they cheat.  When women perceive they are being neglected, or they do not feel cared for or loved they may seek these emotional connections with men outside of their relationship.

When we look at the big picture of cheating, the bottom line is cheating (whether by men or women) is often a manifestation of a larger issue. Just like your health, the best approach is doing your best to prevent problems you can control. At the end of the day, each person has to own their own decisions and actions and live with the consequences of those choices.

The best way to build a committed relationship that minimizes the invasion of cheating is:

  • work hard on understanding each other
  • try to speak each other’s language
  • meet each other’s physical needs
  • if you feel there is something missing, be open (nothing good will come from pretending it does not exist)

There is no magic bullet to solve cheating. But…establishing a strong and healthy foundation that continues to build is certainly a positive start.

All the best,

Rhonda

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Building a solid relationship

Building a Solid Relationship

Building your relationship will be a journey that will be exciting, challenging, joyful, maddening, enlightening, and so much more! The key to your relationship longevity is building a solid relationship capable of withstanding some of the turbulence that will surely come.

To help provide you with the greatest opportunity for a successful relationship, remember these tips:

  • be friends
  • share common interests
  • establish a vision together
  • pay attention to each other
  • make course corrections, immediately
  • be open and giving of yourself
  • never be too big to say “I’m sorry”
  • keep the small things in perspective
  • tackle the big things as a team
  • learn to love each other fully (taking all of the good and the bad)
  • be true to this goal: never intentionally hurt one another (actions, name calling, etc.)
  • perfection is a myth

If you build these into our life and expectations, you will have a great chance for success.

All the best,

Rhonda

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